Executives at Saturday Night Live have released a statement to the thousands of American bloggers that have emailed NBC with jokes, bits, vids, and gags they feel SNL should do about Republican Vice Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin.

In a press release that went out earlier in the week, SNL said:

“Like most of the country, we were initially surprised with John McCain’s pick for VP and our first thought was ‘Yes, Gov. Sarah Palin does look like Tina Fey and, yes, Cindy McCain does look like Amy Poehler and, omigod yes, how great it would be to have them both on the season premiere with maybe Darrell Hammond as John McCain and Kristen Wiig as Campbell Brown and Kenan Thompson as Bill Cosby…again.’ We have thought of all the same jokes and have all the sketches we need for Gov. Palin; please stop emailing us.”

The press release then turned to the season premiere, “We are excited about this season’s premiere and host, gold medalist Michael Phelps, although at first we were a bit worried about how funny a swimmer could be for an hour and a half. I mean, do you lead with the obligatory ‘he’s part dolphin’ sketch or end on it? And the 10,000-calorie diet digital short can only be played once. ‘Showtime at the Apollo’ may come on a little earlier than usual but, hey, that’s live TV for you.”

The SNL press release concluded by saying: “And by the way, they are called ’sketches’ not ‘li’l skits.’”

There was an eerie calm in the streets of Saint Paul, Minnesota on Day Two of the 2008 Republican National Convention after Day One saw rioting “anarchists” quelled with tear gas and pepper spray from police. Greta Mayhew, a lifelong Democrat from Edina, said, “It’s a weird vibe in the air today. Like walking into a silent classroom after the teacher just yelled.”

And yell that teacher did; fifty-six rioters were arrested after the day saw a peaceful 5,000 protest in organized marches and sit-ins. Arnold Sawyer, a college student from California, said, “We were at the DNC last week and it was more fun, man. This place feels like walking into a classroom after the teacher just yelled or something.”

The group calling themselves “anarchists” acted apart from the peaceful masses of assembled protesters. “Only takes a few to ruin the vibe,” said Glenn Taylor of Minneapolis. “If I had to describe today’s mood, I’d say it feels like walking into a classroom after the teacher just quelled fifty six anarchists with tear gas and pepper spray.”

Denver, CO–Randy Awnings, a six-year-old Honor Student at a local elementary school was asked for his general impression of the DNC. After a minute to think, Mr. Awnings replied that he felt the DNC proceedings were, “I dunno, kinda boring.” However, when discussion turned to the riot police that stood by with their hockey pads, Kevlar armor and heavy utility belts of restraining cords, batons, gas guns, and side arms, the third grader’s eyes lit up and he said, “that was sweetest thing ever and awesome!”

On Tuesday, DNC Protestors gathered on the lawn of Denver’s Civic Center Park across the way from the State Capitol steps under the watch of mounted riot police. At the time, Awnings believed the mounted riot police–the horses themselves fitted with thick plastic visors and faceguards–were “the coolest thing ever.” But that was until three black SUVs rolled by with dozens of armored police riding the running boards and dressed to the nines in their finest riot gear.

Randy’s grandmother–Gram Awnings–was quoted as saying that she worried her grandson’s interest in “such things” may foster a propensity in adolescence toward those gratuitously violent R rated movies she refers to as “Knock ‘em out, shoot ‘ems.” In rebuttal, Randy Awnings said to his grandmother, “Get back, Ma’am. Stay on the sidewalk.”

Los Angeles, CA–It was announced Tuesday that the Independent National Convention has chosen a location…maybe…they think…almost positive.

An INC subcommittee is scheduled for this Saturday at The Dave’s house on Figueroa if The Dave would call Chad back. The Dave–a junior INC delegate and senior manager at a popular video store–was quoted as saying, “We could also just meet up at a bar or Angela’s because it’s right there, but we don’t have to decide yet, y’know?”

Angela, an INC delegate and recent Comm Arts grad, said in a text message to Chad, “No worries about the partay, Dudes. Whatever happens is what was meant to happen.”

New light has been shed on the location originally intended for the 2008 Democratic National Convention-across the street from the 2008 Republican National Convention.

The best of times or the worst of times? In this tale of two cities (and political parties), the 2008 Democratic National Convention was intended to be held in Minneapolis…the same week the Republican National Convention was to be held in St. Paul. As Arthur Billus, a Minneapolis resident observed, “Traffic is gonna suck, man.”

Instead, this week the DNC will be held in Denver and next week the RNC will find home in St. Paul. Delegates will unite and confetti will fly. Hopefully our current President is packing his bags and cleaning out his shoddily organized cabinets.

This week, Denver hotels are packed to the rafters with left wing politicos ecstatic as spring break coeds. At the mention of housing both political parties beneath one roof, Thakur Getu, a laundry room employee of a popular hotel franchise, said, “Please no. Not both at once. Is too much. Is too much laundry for Thakur.” (Mr. Getu was unavailable for further comment; however, he was seen hours later by the Concierge desk reassuring guests, “Whatever you need, Thakur Getu.”)

It is impossible to surmise what changed the DNC’s mind about its location; but we can assume the main reason was all those Republicans in St. Paul. Because really, who wants to be around mom and dad during spring break?

MooveAlong.org is working hard to get language added to an upcoming bill that will force all taxpayers making more than $50,000/year to pay 101 percent of their earnings to the U.S. government. So far, MooveAlong hasn’t been able to get a Member of Congress to sponsor the language, but our lobbying firm assures us that we’re days away from getting a Legislative Assistant to return our call.

MooveAlong.org is working with a new organization called LWUOHA, Liberal Wives United to Overlook Our Husband’s Affairs. The group expects membership to take off as they near the summer’s bikini season.

Michael Malone seen left leading the controversial movement to abolish the 4th of July.

“The effort is gaining ground in the U.S.” according to sources within the movement. Malone’s campaign team says that they have almost 40 people on their mailing list and expect that number to rise as soon as their website is removed from spam blacklists.

Michael Malone is the world’s best documentary filmmaker, according to his peers in Hollywood. His films BOWLING FOR CONCUBINES, WACKO, CENTIGRADE 411, and his most recent work, DIE YOU AMERICAN PIGS, have been enormously popular throughout the world, especially in France, North Korea, Cuba, and Saddam’s Palace.